2012 Diss List

These people bothered me in 2012. I bet they bothered you too!

The Katie, the Lady and the Holy O

I'm not religious. But I do have faith. I have faith in the "Three Wise Women."

Women in the World

My Starring Contest With Angelina Jolie

The One Where My Date Googled Me

As the saying goes, "Love is an endless mystery." Apparently whoever said that, didn't have Google.

Confessions of an Online Dater

If everyone is doing it, then it must be cool. Like those slap bracelets or listening to One Direction.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

The 5 Stages of Binge-Watching Inspired by House of Cards



Netflix is the real cause behind America's health crisis. Nothing is contributing to the sedentary lifestyle of Americans more than Netflix. For with one click, we are able to binge-watch our favorite shows and descend into the dark abyss of pizza delivery, over salted snacks, and sleep deprivation. 

I just spent the last 36 hours watching House of Cards on Netflix. I watched the whole damn season. 

As I come out of the fog that is the threesome of Frank, Claire, and politics, I have come to a few realizations. First, I really need to start wearing power suits. And secondly, like grief, binge-watching has 5 universal stages. 

Note: May we one day join together and fight against Netflix. But until that day, please expedite the production of the 4th season of House of Cards. 

Stage 1: Denial
Symptoms: Thinking it's impossible to get through the entire season in one sitting. Making excuses for why you're about to waste an entire weekend. 

"Oooo, House of Cards Season 3 is on Netflix. Awesome! I’m going to watch the first episode, hell, make it two. Then I’ll go to grocery story and do my taxes. Perfect little Saturday."

"Wow, already on episode 4. I’ll stop after this one. It’s been a long week. I deserve it."


Stage 2: Bargaining
Symptoms: Slowly letting go of fundamental human behaviors. Regression. Making excuses for why you can't do basic things. 


"I really have to go to the bathroom. (sighs) I’ll go after I figure out what’s going to happen with this Jordan Valley situation."

"I should probably eat. I should go to the kitchen. But if I just order seamless, they’ll deliver food straight to my door and I won’t even have to pause my Roku." 

"Ok, I'll stop watching when Frank stops lying." 

 Seriously, don't piss off Claire.

Stage 3: Delusion
Talking about the characters as if personal acquaintances. Losing all track of time. Pretending to still have interest in reality. 

"Can I pull off Claire's haircut? Or will I just look like a black Justin Bieber? I’m going to the gym tomorrow so I can wear that dress she wore in episode 5."

"What is the name of the actor that plays Doug? Is he single? I think we'd be a good couple.(Googles Doug) Damn, he’s married. How about Remy?"

"I tried to warn Frank about Dunbar. He never listens!"

"Maybe I should run for Congress. I think I’d look really good in those lady suits."

"It’s totally fine that I’m on episode 9. I’ll still have plenty of day left to run errands."


Stage 4: Fatigue
A general feeling of worthlessness softened by your need to know if Frank will, indeed, secure the nomination. 

"My mouth is parched. When is the last time I drank water?"

"Is that a bed sore?"

"I’ll just close my eyes during the opening credits and then wake up when the music stops. That guarantees me a solid 60 seconds of rest."

"Is this what arthritis feels like?"

"Frank doesn't sleep. So I don't need to either."

Stage 5: Bewilderment
Reality starts to creep back in. It's embarrassing and shocking to realize that you're more up to speed on fictional politics, than what's actually happening in real Washington D.C. Emptiness. A desire to watch a new show just to fill the void.

"What? It’s Sunday? When did it start snowing?"

"What’s going to happen in New Hampshire? I need to know!" 

"Are the Obama's are like Frank and Claire? OMG, is this based on the Obamas? Who is the real President right now?"

"I’m way too tired to go to work tomorrow."

"I heard Sons of Anarchy was good." 


Treatment
Watch FRIENDS Seasons 1-10 on Netflix. Take a shower. Stretch. Eat a salad. 


Monday, March 3, 2014

2014 Oscar Recap

2014 Oscars Recap: From pizza and princesses to penis jokes, Ellen consistently delivered with her subtle humor. Liza Minnelli looks like a dude. Jared Leto is a dude who looks like a lady and won an Oscar for just that. Kerry Washington really wanted pizza. Idina Menzel really wanted John Travolta to pronounce her name correctly…and Zac Efron really wants to learn how to read. Pharrell was so happy that he shimmied with Meryl. Twitter got all happy over the most EPIC selfie ever, and Jennifer Lawrence was just happy that she didn't trip...on stage, at least. Best Dressed: Kate Hudson, Charlize Theron, Sandra Bullock. Worst: Penelope Cruz, Julia Roberts, Anna Kendrick. “Frozen” was on fire, “Gravity” repeatedly brought the competition, and “Her” left the show unloved. Bette Midler gave us wind beneath our wings, Pink reminded us that wishes live somewhere over the rainbow and Lupita proved that dreams, in fact, are valid. Cate Blanchett beat all the girls, Matthew McConaughey beat all the boys and 12 years a slave won best movie. Coincidently, that's also how long the Oscars kept us captive.

Monday, January 27, 2014

2014 Grammy Recap

Bey and Jay rode a surfboard, Pink and her butt cheeks did some flips, Taylor Swift gave herself shaken baby syndrome and Katy Perry was bewitchingly bad. Judging by the blood splatters...Kendrick Lamar and Imagine Dragons killed every other performance. Lorde wore an outfit from the 90’s, Keith Urban wore Jennifer Lawrence’s hair and Pharrell wore Yosemite Sam’s hat. No one knows why Julia Roberts was there, Yoko Ono is a relevant again?, and Madonna looked like Willie Nelson. Speaking of Madonna….her cane + black choir + Macklemore + 34 couples = the most progressive moment in television history. “Get Lucky” won record of the year, “Royals” won song of the year, and album of the year went to a couple of non-verbal robots. Overall, the entire show lasted longer than jury duty and I needed a tad more Yonce.

Bey Z
Credit: Beyonce's Facebook

Friday, January 3, 2014

It's a Jones-Cooper Christmas

Two families. Twice the love. 
Some of my favorite moments from Christmas 2013. 


video

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

2013 Diss List

I did it last year, and the year before. It’s time for the 3rd Annual Diss List. These are the people or things that made me feel better about myself in 2013.

1. Miley Cyrus
Ok, I know this was the year of Miley. I know she was just expressing herself and her songs are actually pretty good. However, I feel like if I ever got close enough to smell Miley, my nose wouldn’t be able to handle the strong stench of desperation. Authenticity smells different. It smells like Sara Bareilles.

2. Megyn Kelly
Listen Megyn..everyone is black. Santa Claus is black, Jesus is black, and Bill Clinton is black. These are just facts. 

3. Kanye
Speaking of Black Jesus...Yezus needs to put on his leather jogging pants, dig a hole and jump in it.

4. Healthcare.gov
There are literally thousands of nerds in Silicon Valley who create flawless websites everyday. Yet, the President employs the only agency still using dial-up to launch the biggest healthcare initiative in our nations history? #FigureItOut

5. Men in Skinny Jeans
These painted on jeans simply make your legs look thinner than mine and I don't like it. I'm talking to you, One Direction.

6. Paula Deen
Are we really surprised that Paula Deen uses the N-word as often as her debit card? That’s like being shocked that she uses butter in her cereal. 

7. George Zimmerman. 
This loser just can’t stay out of trouble. I guarantee this guy will be sharing a cell with OJ Simpson by the end of 2014.

8. Farah Abraham
You made the worst porn I’ve ever seen (of course I watched a clip of it!), your voice gives me hives and you make me want to become a mother...by adopting your poor baby. Go away. Just go away.

9. Adult Selfies
Unless you are being ironic or standing in front of a monument, please refrain from snapping these solo head shots. If you're not getting enough attention I suggest you get a dog.

10. Rainbow Opposition
If you still oppose gay marriage I literally want you to get in your DeLorean and go back in time. I think you’d have a better time there.

11. Perfect Bacon Bowl
Bacon is acceptable in strip or bit form. Not bowl. Relax, America.

12. Government Shutdown
In human years the United States is about 237 years old. However, in country years we’re about 22 months old. With that perspective I can rationalize why our lawmakers acted like 2-year-olds and threw a tantrum in October and shut down the government. Drink a juice box and get on with it.

13. Dennis Rodman
This fool has made Kim Jong-Un his BFF. Considering what Mr.Un does to his family, I can only imagine Dennis Rodman's fate should he ever piss off the supreme ruler. He's all yours, North Korea.

Update: I don't know how this happened, but I forgot Toronto Mayor Rob Ford! This man wins the "Hot Mess of the Year" award. Crack is whack, Rob...and so is your body shape. 

What's on your Diss List?



Monday, December 16, 2013

Beyonce Boom: My Visual Review

Similar to the moon landing, people will always remember where they were when Beyonce dropped her surprise album. First of all, what an absolutely genius marketing plan. She did with one tweet what Miley tried to do with 3 twerks, 2 midgets, 1 joint and international criticism. Beyonce let her fans publicize for her. And it paid off.
  
Early observations
Several babies have already been conceived to this album. In 30 years, historians will refer this time of population growth as the "Beyonce Boom." This album is literally the sexiest/raciest album I've heard for a while. Queen B is definitely reveling in her "I'm a Houston hoodrat with a gangsta husband but I'm also a billionaire and have the Obama's on speed dial so deal with it" status, and I'm OK with it. 

Favorite lyric
"I sneezed on the beat, and the beat got sicker."

Favorite song
"Mine"

Favorite video
"Haunted"

Favorite smile
Blue Ivy

Review
Watching the videos and listening to the tracks conjured up a lot of feelings in me. Chief among them... extreme body insecurity. But really, watching the videos just made me love the songs more. So I thought it best to review the album via screenshots that captured some of my favorite moments.

Enjoy...


Bejewled Beyonce Bra. Pricetag: HOVA

Twice as nice. And twice as bad for my self-esteem.

She makes Princess Kate look like Rosie O'Donnell.

She woke up like this. 

Put that stank on ya.

Bey-Z
That one time she looked like Kim Kardashian grinding on a wall.

 I spent the entire video contemplating if I should get a fur cut-off sweater, a bathing suit, or... a trainer. 

 She gonna dent your hood and look good doing it.

Sending leopards to therapy est. 2013.

My hip mountains have a few more craters in them.

Just imagine yourself in the pose. Now put down the Zebra cake. 

Said the girl painted white, "I'm never washing my face again."

Mo Money, Mo Roller coasters.

Oh, and she's funny too? Gah!

Leaning like a cholo.

Smize this, Tyra.

I will start going to church if she's there. Amen.

Blue rocking her natural hair. How Solange of her.

JUST.... C'MON! (And then I melt)


So, overall I give it 5 stars. 
I love you like, XO.
The other B.

Monday, November 25, 2013

A Few of My Favorite Things

If Oprah can make a big deal about her favorite things. I can too. 

Please sing to the tune of "Favorite Things" by Julie Andrews.  Instrumental for your convenience: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSUyD1I9OoU



Fat dogs on skateboards 
And iphone finger mittens
Videos on YouTube
Of Babies and kittens
Strangers who trip
Oh, the joy that it brings
These are a few of my favorite things

Bacon and bacon 

And more things with bacon
Laughing so hard that I just can't
Quit shakin
Stopping by Runza 
To order some Frings
These are a few of my favorite things. 

Renting a new car and driving all crazy

Dancing like Beyonce to prove I'm not lazy
Straight shots of Red Bull,
Cause it gives me wings
These are a few of my favorite things.

Veep and Scandal
I can't handle
Orange is the new black
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so whack

2013 American Music Awards Recap


 Miley’s singing cat performance looked like a Lisa Frank folder. President R.Kelly needs to be impeached. Gaga wants us all to use her body. JLo made all women feel inferior with HER body. Rhianna left the salon before her hair was finished, Nelly refuses to realize he’s finished and Lil Mama learned how to chase waterfalls. Christina Aguilera was “Genie in a bottle” thin. One Direction’s pants looked painted on. KeSha made daisy dukes look geriatric. Justin Timberlake proved that soul transcends race. And Jay Z and Beyonce have simply stopped appearing at these things.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Think Like Me

12 musings that will help you see the world through my eyes.

1. Poverty is terrible, but the worst thing I've ever seen is a Jeopardy Contestant with a stutter.

2. Why are people so shocked when siblings look alike? Google genetics. It's not an accident.
This photo works for items 2 and 3. 

3. If two people are wearing black, they're not matching. They are both simply wearing black.

4. On game shows, why does the audience applaud when a contestant says they're expecting a baby? It's like they're saying, "Good sex job." And all I can think is, "Did you do that on purpose?"

5. Is the show "Cops" designed to show us the negative repercussions of crime? Or is it a learning tool for potential criminals? In the words of my brother, "I watch cops cause I learn stuff."

6. If you shouldn't tug on Superman's cape, and it's frowned upon to spit into the wind, then it is definitely ill advised to tell me I look tired after a long week at work.

7. Why is it that sexy chair dancers are horrible once they stand up? Legs are tricky like that.

8. Being "Good on Instagram" is not a brag worthy skill. In fact, it's not a skill at all. 

9. Don't you put kids in extra-curricular activities to build their independence? If so, why do parents today sit and watch their kids soccer, karate or piano practices? Take advantage of that hour! Go get your hair done, nails done, everything did! Trust me, your kid won't get better at kicking a ball with their anxious mom on the sideline.

10. In movies and television shows I regularly look at the extras walking and talking in the background. Sometimes I even make up back stories for them. 

11. I secretly want Adele to break up with her fiance. They can get back together, but only after she makes some sad and wonderfully amazing music. 

12. I am oddly attracted to the skinny Kia Soul hamsters. I love a man in a tailored suit.





Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Subway Dreams

Subway performers tend to be happy people. They love their art, dance, or music so deeply that they are willing to perform underground for hour after dark, smelly hour. And these performers aren't just transients seeking money. Well, I mean sometimes they are, but many of them are a part of an organization called Music Under New York (MUNY). Basically being a part of MUNY means that police can't arrest you for not having a permit and you get a legit location.

My favorite MUNY performer goes by the name of Khan Hightower. He sings classic Motown hits with the smoothness of Smokey Robinson and the grit of Al Green. In addition to his soulful voice, he also has amazing showmanship...constantly entertaining his fans with dance moves rivaled only by New Edition.

What I love most about Khan is that he's a father. Every time he performs he has a small boy sitting in a chair behind him. He's usually reading, doing homework or playing on a game boy looking device. It's obvious that the kid isn't there by choice, because he usually look uninterested at his father's antics. My best guess is that Khan is unable to secure a babysitter, so Kahn Jr. has to come along for the ride.

Last week I was on the subway platform when I saw Khan performing. I promptly took out my headphones and enjoyed the musical stylings of this wannabe Commodore. Then to my surprise, he brought his son into the act during a soulful rendition of the Lionel Richie classic, "Do it to me!!" My heart was immediately warmed by the father/son duet. Sure, the 8-year-old was singing the sexually driven lyrics, "Do it to me one more time," but once you get past that, it's quite adorable. So I recorded it.

The best part about this video is how Kahn Jr. repeatedly looks down at his homework while he's singing. He's either being forced to sing by his "stage dad" of a father, or he's super concerned about his spelling test tomorrow. He also reaches for his Snapple before the chorus is over, as if to say, "Enough dad!!"

The second best part of the video is at about 00:34. Kahn pulls out some epic dance moves. It makes me happy.

Sorry for the Vertical Video...I know better!